During this past Scorpio New Moon Phase, I conducted a self-tarot reading and was guided to meditate on the concept of cycles. What cycle am I finishing up? What cycle am I about to step into? The underlying message being to finish whatever needs completing within this last cycle before moving full on into the new one.
I looked to Astrology as I imagined some planet must be trying to tell me something. After listening to my favorite Astrologer on Earth, Anne Ortelee, she mentioned in her podcast that 12 years ago was the last time Jupiter was transiting Scorpio, the sign it is in today. Her suggestion was to go back to 2005 and look at what was happening then. She also gave a beautiful metaphor passed on by a colleague of her own saying that “we are all about half way up the mountain and even though we are only halfway there, NOW is the time to turn around and look at all we have done, all that we have been through, all that we have become.”
So, Monday, I spent the bulk of my day in this meditation. If I am to move forward into the next phase/cycle of my life what are the things that I don’t want to bring with me? What do I need to close up? And who was I back in 2005 vs who I am now?
I pulled out a large piece of thick drawing paper and wrote 2005 at the top. From there I wrote down all of the life events that were taking place during that time and every year that would follow up until now.
I listed all of the people that helped me along the way. Friends that housed me when I was homeless, collaborators and teachers, frenemies and all the in- be-tweens. I saw when friendships shifted. Not everyone from 2005 is still in my life today, and through this practice I was able to acknowledge their humanness and offer gratitude for however our time was spent, good or bad.
( Nightlife Job – Circle 2005/2006)
I saw where jobs shifted. Communities expanded while others collapsed. The biggest thing though, was how in the dark I was. Even though I had gone through my yoga training in 2004 it wasn’t until a few years later when things started to truly take off in the right direction. For some time, I was caught in a deep illusion. Some of this had to do with environmental influences, the type of people I was first friends with in NYC and the values they evoked while learning to survive here. Allot if it had to do with my own choices being made within that illusion that kept perpetuating the darkness.
(Life in the East Village – circa 2005)
With Jupiter in Scorpio back in 2005 I can see how I was drawn towards the lower vibrations of the 8th house ( traditionally ruled by Scorpio). How instead of using occult powers for illumination I was tapping into false powers brought on by the illusion of money, sex and status. I had no real practice in those days, no routine to settle into, nothing to help clear the fog so that I might see straight.
(Hanging out in the Lower East Side not seeing straight at all. – circa 2005)
There was a 6-month period within this 2005-time frame where I didn’t practice yoga and I wasn’t teaching either. I had experienced an overbearing and competitive mentor at the school where I trained. Every time one of the founding teachers would offer me a way in to the community, (giving me special after-hours type jobs to do so that I wouldn’t have to pay because I was really struggling at the time) this person would see to it that I would get that special privilege revoked as soon as possible.
It was heart breaking and spirit shattering to be so enamored with a spiritual community only to have encountered such bullying by someone who I was supposed to learn from. At least that was how it felt to me then.
I stepped back from that particular community and also experienced an unexpected move to Bushwick where I would then spiral out of control for some time before putting the pieces back together. The pieces would come when a dear friend suggested a yoga studio that had a drop in rate of $5 located in Williamsburg. I would end up teaching at this studio for nearly a decade, fostering incredible relationships that continually fed my spiritual awakening and practice, before closing its doors forever in 2016.
( At my Bushwick loft throwing a party on January 28th because why not? – Circa 2006)
I didn’t begin to attract a conscious community into my life until I got serious about my practice and how I wanted to serve the world around me. My teaching career also began to take off when I decided to get real about what mattered to me. I practiced 3rd chakra meditations to stir the fire and auditioned anywhere and everywhere while teaching all over the city like only a lunatic can. This was a good trial of just making it happen. Not waiting for someone to hand me anything and learning that if I just gave it some focuss.I could create any vision that came to me that was in alignment with my heart and values.
While 2005 carried with it allot of darkness and illusion the years that followed would be filled with great people, experiences and the meeting of my teacher and spiritual community. So, standing half way up the mountain I can turn around and say, I am grateful to have come this far.
As I look lovingly at this wild child past part of myself, all of the mistakes and all of the triumphs, I am now deciphering what it is that I want to bring with me into this next cycle of my life while laying everything else to rest.
( Trying to impress a dude most likely, before selfies were selfies – circa 2005/2006)
Because I want to protect them in their incubation phase, I am choosing not to share my current aspirations and goals at this time. However, I encourage you to entertain this same type of excavating process. Go back into the files of 2005 and note where you lived, what you were most focused on, who you were, who you wanted to be. You can stick with just 2005 or you can go through an entire time line of your life until you get to the place you are at today. From here you can extract what it is you want to surrender and also what you want to bring along.
This can be emotional, energetic, prayers and also things such as projects you have been wanting to do but haven’t yet begun. Take a good look at that project and be totally honest about whether or not it speaks to the person you are today or the person you want to be tomorrow.
For example, let’s say somewhere along the way you wanted to start a Zine. This felt like a compelling idea and a great way of expressing yourself. However, you never really got around to doing it. It’s always just been there in the back of your mind sort of brewing. Now is the time to decide whether or not you want to fire up that third chakra and complete this aspiration or simply let it go and free up space for a more current expression to move through you. This example works on relationships and work life as well.
There is no harm in letting things go when the time is right.
We are all making our way up this beautiful mountain. Take a moment to look back and lovingly acknowledge every step you have taken to get where you are today.
Please feel free to share your own process in the comments below! What are you closing out and if you choose, what are you stepping into?
Your Jupiter in Scorpio Survivor,
(Ahhh the satisfaction of getting older and wiser – circa 2017, photo by Emily Ullrich)